Relationship between the US and Russia come to a dead end again. US missile attacked a military base in Syria, which Assad used to perform chemical attacks over civilians. As you know, the actions of a Syrian President were completely supported by Putin.
Humorous version of the incident described the ATO veteran and demobee Martin Brest. The original text follows.
* * *
The US ship Porter DDG-78. A beautiful night. Silence. Clear and high-tech captain’s deck. Captain Andria Slough is sitting in a high armchairs and plays with his iPad. An intercom buzzer sounds. The captain frowns and inserts the earpiece from the headset into his ear.
Captain: I’m listening to you, Vierochka.
Verochka: Andre, do you still need me today?
Captain: Vierochka? Vierochka?
Verochka: Captain! Captaaain! Can you hear me?
Captain (to himself): F***g Apple’s headset got broken again. Aah, s**t.
He unplugs the headset and throws it at a control panel. The red lights ignite, siren turns on, and ship noticeably speeds up. The captain quickly grabs the headset back and convulsively presses some buttons. Everything calms down. A naval door opens, and Verochka enters.
Captain (relaxed): Vierochka, what do you need?
Verochka: Captain, can I go if you do not need me today?
Captain: Vierochka, well, where will you go? We are in the middle of the sea!
Verochka (modestly): I’ll find something.
Captain: Well, go then… although, wait. Vierochka, bring me coffee.
Verochka: Would you like that soluble dust, you drink in America?
Captain: No, oh no. I want that divine hot drink, you know the unique recepe of.
Verochka: Oh, Lvov coffee. Well, I’ll make you a cup if there is some water left in a kettle.
Captain: Vierochka, is that a problems? Take some from the boiler!
Verochka: Cap, I do not teach you to steer the ship, and do not teach me to make a coffee, okay?
““Vierochka” from the story of Martin Brest – Andria L. Slough – the commander of the Destroyer
The sound of the message, which appears on the screen of the iPad makes the captain nervous.
Captain: Vierochka … I think I do not need a coffee anymore. Bring whiskey.
Verochka: There are no whiskey anymore. You finished it the ather day. There is cognac. A good one. A military one. A 3 stars Shabo.
Captain (rereads the message): Vierochka, bring in the cognac.
Verochka: What happened, boss? Oh, the kettle boiled (rattling with cups)
Captain: Just received an order to hit the Syrian base in a province of Idlib with tomahawks.
Verochka: Cap, but Russians are also there.
Captain (nervous): Vierochka, we have to do something. We can not shoot at Russian citizens. This would mean the beginning of The World War III. However, we must obey the order!
Verochka: Ha! So lets warn them. I can call.
Captain (nervous again ): Oh, Verochka. It is a good idea! Call someone there… and I’ll prepare the missiles! By the way, what is your favorite number?
Verochka (quickly): Fifty-nine.
Captain (to himself): It’s strange, but it is the exact same number of tomahawks we owe…
Verochka takes the phone, presses it with a shoulder to an ear, puts coffee into a cup and starts pourinng the boiling water carefully.
Verochka (switches to Russian): Hello? Hello? Aaaa, damn it, f***g Lenovo. Greetings comrade colonel.
ATO representative: Just a Lieutenant Colonel yet. How are you, Veerochka? Are you alright? How is it on the ship?
Verochka (smiling): All good. Please, write down to the report, that the United States shelled the Syrian military base with tomahawk missiles. No survivors.
АТО representative (writes down): No survivors… Done. What? Are you sure?
Verochka: Dear Yaroslav, I’m not a live news. I do not spread a s***t. So, how it is there in Avdiyivka? How are The Ours?
ATO representative: There is war. Russian enemy shells every day. Our Ukrainian defenders stay still.
Verochka: Dear Lieutenant Colonel, please do not tell me about “stay still”, okay? It is war, and it is how it is… Do not worry, we will bring them some joy in a moment. Oh, Yaroslav. Can you send some Lviv coffee, because this american finished our stock?
ATO spokesman: Of course, Verochka. As usual? Nova Poshta first and then Mount Whitney?
Verochka: Yup, that is correct. Just do not put candies in a bag. The commander will swear if he got fat again.
ATO: Ok, Verochka, ok. I was glad to hear from you.
Verochka: Ok, hugs (hangs up and comes back to the cabin. On both sides of the ship could be seen heads of tomahawks, which are ready for launch).
Captain: Is everything ok, Vierochka?
Verochka (smiling): Of course, cap. Everything is just fine with us.
Fifty-nine missiles alternately leave the ship and rush towards the unsuspecting base. Verochka stands near the border, beautifully bent and leaning on a bulwark, and smokes a long thin cigarette. Her big eyes follow the bright lights of the departing missiles.
The happy voice of the captain says: “Vierochka! Vierochka, bring in the cognac!”
The phone rings.
Verochka: As you ordered. Yes, I checked. Yes, I reported to the spokesman. Yes, the rockets are launched. Three-four minutes max. It’s all right, Comrade General of Army. Glory to Ukraine!
* * *
The jokes remain the jokes, but after such a spit into a Putin’s face we should expect an aggravation of the situation at Donbass. Since Trump humiliated Putin before the face of the world, the Kremlin will try to get a revenge to prove its so called greatness. The easiest way to do this – is to do this at the east of Ukraine.
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